Anxious Mind

Another day closer. Had a long talk with my parents this morning, makes it seem as if my day will arrive sooner than later. They were both crying as was I for a bit. I have purposely not delved deep into my private life here in this confessional. It is too painful and unnecessary. I know I am selfish, that I am choosing a life away from those I love, that I am hurting them. But I can't say no to this opportunity. Why lay it all out here, it's not like I can stop myself from feeling it, from thinking of it. Why dive into it here, now, when in a few days the person they recognize will be dead. I will have moved on, beyond. Looks like it's time for another walk to the beach.

I spend a good deal of time watching the ocean, and as the wind builds what was a smooth glassy sea now becomes angry and confused. I resonate with it. I needed this break, away from my studies, my preparation, inadequate as it surly is. The Alliance Tournament begins tomorrow. I have never watched it before. This will be the tenth iteration. It pits capsuleer pilots from various alliances in an elimination style tournament. I was tempted to view some of the past tournaments which are held annually. Despite my fascination with the capsuleer lifestyle I never really felt the need to watch this. I always let my mind wander into more philosophical realms or wonder at the possibilities for exploration. Combat was not a draw for me, but now it is. I feel it's deadly calling.  The  brutor path.  Destruction is a constant in New Eden, even if you don't go looking for it, it will find you. I will watch. I have also found a capsuleer corporation that I will most likely be applying to. Eve University seems like a natural transition. They specialize with new (noob, newb) pilots. The academic approach is one I am familiar with. I have already been studying recorded classes and worked my way through a good number of them. Not that I am retaining all that much but the exposure is a plus. I don't think I will stay long, but long enough to learn the lifestyle a bit. They will not accept you until you run a series of post orientation missions emphasizing different skills, so my initial path begins to form.

In the spirit of this journey I must confess I am looking forward to leaving my existence here despite the emotional complexities. These life resets are to be taken advantage of. I have begun pouring through the recorded experiences of a few capsuleers and they have been a varied lot. I followed a pirates exploits and saw what started as a low brow rollick devolve at times into depression and disgust covered by a thin veil of bravado. He is currently only a shadow of himself presently seldom piloting anymore. I wonder what weaknesses my recordings will show. One can't help but lay out ones own psychopathologies. It is so easy for others to see, so difficult to be objective with oneself. The truth is while reading his adventures which in the beginning I enjoyed, I laughed several times, but as I continued it was obvious that this man was not well, that he was cruel and sad. It is essential once one escapes into this lifestyle to become hard, but beyond that many turn sadistic. I hope that doesn't happen to me. I don't think it is wrong of me to laugh at times at the wickedness, on a base level it is funny, even if it may be culturally and morally unacceptable. I will be beyond these restraints soon. Is morality relative? I guess i'll find out. Yet I was also disgusted and saddened at times. Ultimately feeling sick inside for this person. I felt his unhappiness. It would be so easy for that to be me. I recognize parts of him in me. Eve makes this tempting.

I am almost certain I will not veer towards the other extreme, a kind of passive pacifistic surperiority. I am not doing this to crunch rocks full time like a miner, or run a desk job as an industrialist. I know I will need to kill. A part of me looks forward to this challenge. Like a long dormant instinct soon to be expressed. I wonder at the power of it. Not mindless killing (ganking) for pleasure but as a means. That is a big part of the life of a capsuleer. The ships I fly will mostly be weapons, I won't go through all this just to remain the same.

I just need this to start. The waiting has been too long, too hard. Too much thinking, it's time for this body to die.

I lean into the gale force breeze, my long hair being pulled backwards like long brown ribbons. I smile with my eyes closed.