Another day closer. Had a long talk with my parents this morning, makes it seem as if my day will arrive sooner than later. They were both crying as was I for a bit. I have purposely not delved deep into my private life here in this confessional. It is too painful and unnecessary. I know I am selfish, that I am choosing a life away from those I love, that I am hurting them. But I can't say no to this opportunity. Why lay it all out here, it's not like I can stop myself from feeling it, from thinking of it. Why dive into it here, now, when in a few days the person they recognize will be dead. I will have moved on, beyond. Looks like it's time for another walk to the beach.
I spend a good deal of time watching the ocean, and as the wind builds what was a smooth glassy sea now becomes angry and confused. I resonate with it. I needed this break, away from my studies, my preparation, inadequate as it surly is. The Alliance Tournament begins tomorrow. I have never watched it before. This will be the tenth iteration. It pits capsuleer pilots from various alliances in an elimination style tournament. I was tempted to view some of the past tournaments which are held annually. Despite my fascination with the capsuleer lifestyle I never really felt the need to watch this. I always let my mind wander into more philosophical realms or wonder at the possibilities for exploration. Combat was not a draw for me, but now it is. I feel it's deadly calling. The brutor path. Destruction is a constant in New Eden, even if you don't go looking for it, it will find you. I will watch.
I have also found a capsuleer corporation that I will most likely be applying to. Eve University seems like a natural transition. They specialize with new (noob, newb) pilots. The academic approach is one I am familiar with. I have already been studying recorded classes and worked my way through a good number of them. Not that I am retaining all that much but the exposure is a plus. I don't think I will stay long, but long enough to learn the lifestyle a bit. They will not accept you until you run a series of post orientation missions emphasizing different skills, so my initial path begins to form.
In the spirit of this journey I must confess I am looking forward to leaving my existence here despite the emotional complexities. These life resets are to be taken advantage of. I have begun pouring through the recorded experiences of a few capsuleers and they have been a varied lot. I followed a pirates exploits and saw what started as a low brow rollick devolve at times into depression and disgust covered by a thin veil of bravado. He is currently only a shadow of himself presently seldom piloting anymore. I wonder what weaknesses my recordings will show. One can't help but lay out ones own psychopathologies. It is so easy for others to see, so difficult to be objective with oneself. The truth is while reading his adventures which in the beginning I enjoyed, I laughed several times, but as I continued it was obvious that this man was not well, that he was cruel and sad. It is essential once one escapes into this lifestyle to become hard, but beyond that many turn sadistic. I hope that doesn't happen to me. I don't think it is wrong of me to laugh at times at the wickedness, on a base level it is funny, even if it may be culturally and morally unacceptable. I will be beyond these restraints soon. Is morality relative? I guess i'll find out. Yet I was also disgusted and saddened at times. Ultimately feeling sick inside for this person. I felt his unhappiness. It would be so easy for that to be me. I recognize parts of him in me. Eve makes this tempting.
I am almost certain I will not veer towards the other extreme, a kind of passive pacifistic surperiority. I am not doing this to crunch rocks full time like a miner, or run a desk job as an industrialist. I know I will need to kill. A part of me looks forward to this challenge. Like a long dormant instinct soon to be expressed. I wonder at the power of it. Not mindless killing (ganking) for pleasure but as a means. That is a big part of the life of a capsuleer. The ships I fly will mostly be weapons, I won't go through all this just to remain the same.
I just need this to start. The waiting has been too long, too hard. Too much thinking, it's time for this body to die.
I lean into the gale force breeze, my long hair being pulled backwards like long brown ribbons. I smile with my eyes closed.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
The Tension Builds
So the madness that was my life has calmed. Turned over my apartment and I am back home staying with my parents, well at least for the next few days. I am alone as my father and mother are both working. Even at their age, they love it, I wonder why I didn't. I can't complain because had they not decided to give me my inheritance while they were still alive I would not be on the edge of things. I must admit that without their money and political connections I would never have made it. A capusleer is a means towards riches. Some make more in an hour than many make in a lifetime. Some get podded, killed in their pod (capsule) only to be reborn in a new medical clone in a distant star-base. Some win some lose, some break, some quit.
New Eden is big and well, hard to follow. I have been pouring over news streams, history tomes, anthropology articles, star maps, anything I can get my hands on. My eyes are tired and my mind a bit numb. I will never understand it all. But the good thing is I don't need to. I know enough to understand that when I awake in my medial clone there will be a new pilot orientation for me. I will start in a relatively protected patch of space for training. I exhale.
Tomorrow I will turn in my medical clone physical specifications and neural network profile. I will also need to choose which corporation I will apply for membership to. The corporation I chose determines which space-station will house my medical clone, basically where I will start to live. They will train me through orientation. If I so choose they will provide me with missions on which I can become rich, or lose my ship. I haven't decided on which one just yet. I really don't understand the differences, but in New Eden being a member of a corporation offers distinct advantages. Mostly though I am eager to join all capsuleer corporations. For that I will wait until I compete my orientation. I also won't mess around with the neural networks yet, the idea of remapping them when I know so little seems absurd. A curious feature of the medical clone package is the choices I have in terms of physical design. I could be male, female, fat, thin, blonde, old, young, black, white, tanned, bald, tattooed, with piercings... I have options to adjust features, tailor a nose, cheekbones, eyes, the size of my legs, arms, well the list goes on and on. This really is a new life. I have been working on my physical profile. I am tempted to go with the spirit of this rebirth and completely change things up. I have felt the power of female beauty, why not a shapely figure to go with the perfect face and bright smile. Yet somehow I just don't think a pretty face is going to save me from a pirate intent on killing me for the thrill and perhaps the spare change he can make from looting my wreck. I imagine it might be too disorienting for me to suddenly wake up in a place i've never been, in a life I can't even really imagine and look into a mirror and see a stranger. I am leaning towards having some kind of likeness to myself. It's all too much sometimes.
My neck is stiff from the tension, I rub the back of it and feel the smooth skin where a metallic hole will soon be, well not on my body but on my clone body. I will literally be plugged into my ship via a series of links running down my central nervous system. I will be able to control my ship with my mind, see out via the drone ship camera's again all with my mind. This will give me an advantage over non-capsuleers. They will not able to react as quickly, they will not be one with their ship. My humanity begins to slip. Or does it? I shake my head and try to stop the thinking.
I leave my parents house for another walk on the beach and a flood of memories pours in. I can't stop it. They are joyous ones mostly, i'll let it run for a while. Sometimes this rebirth feels a lot like death. I fight the sadness as I walk back to my parents house. I can see and hear people around me, each caught up in their own lives. I see them in ways I never have before. I am jealous for a moment but it passes. Out of many trillions only a few hundred thousand are capsuleers. I try but simply cannot properly imagine the immensity of over 5,000 solar systems and several thousand wormholes populated by only a tiny fraction of humanity and then only a sliver of them in the form capsuleers. Connecting these systems together by are a series of jump gates, and inter system travel in faster than light speed warp. More sedentary is the larger body humanity who populate only relatively few planets. I will be spending a lot of time alone in space.
Being one with my ship allows me to fly great vessels without the need for any other crew. I will be in my pod, attached to the ship, engulfed and padded in pod goo (a broth of cellular debris to help pad any trauma) and really only needing my brain while aboard. I keep this image in my head and almost shudder. How foreign. Still walking I begin to think about my skill training. What skill books and in what order should I inject them into my brain. How long will it take my brain to learn them? What implants should I add to the slots installed in my central nervous system to make my learning the most efficient. For that I need to know far more than I do now and my mind drifts to more familiar ground and the deadly Minmatar ships. How I have often dreamed of piloting them, in a few days I will. I feel a slight high. We Minmatar have a tradition with our designs honed in recent wars with the Amarr. I suppose what makes us unique from the other factions ships is our emphasis on speed and the flexibility inherent in our designs. You are never quite sure how a Minmatar ship is outfitted, and in this mystery lies an advantage. The names of ships like Rifter or Loki make my heart begin to beat more rapidly. The reality is that I really don't know anything and all this speculative thinking is largely a waste of time. My education really begins when my body dies. I look up and see my parents house and the sadness creeps in again.
New Eden is big and well, hard to follow. I have been pouring over news streams, history tomes, anthropology articles, star maps, anything I can get my hands on. My eyes are tired and my mind a bit numb. I will never understand it all. But the good thing is I don't need to. I know enough to understand that when I awake in my medial clone there will be a new pilot orientation for me. I will start in a relatively protected patch of space for training. I exhale.
Tomorrow I will turn in my medical clone physical specifications and neural network profile. I will also need to choose which corporation I will apply for membership to. The corporation I chose determines which space-station will house my medical clone, basically where I will start to live. They will train me through orientation. If I so choose they will provide me with missions on which I can become rich, or lose my ship. I haven't decided on which one just yet. I really don't understand the differences, but in New Eden being a member of a corporation offers distinct advantages. Mostly though I am eager to join all capsuleer corporations. For that I will wait until I compete my orientation. I also won't mess around with the neural networks yet, the idea of remapping them when I know so little seems absurd. A curious feature of the medical clone package is the choices I have in terms of physical design. I could be male, female, fat, thin, blonde, old, young, black, white, tanned, bald, tattooed, with piercings... I have options to adjust features, tailor a nose, cheekbones, eyes, the size of my legs, arms, well the list goes on and on. This really is a new life. I have been working on my physical profile. I am tempted to go with the spirit of this rebirth and completely change things up. I have felt the power of female beauty, why not a shapely figure to go with the perfect face and bright smile. Yet somehow I just don't think a pretty face is going to save me from a pirate intent on killing me for the thrill and perhaps the spare change he can make from looting my wreck. I imagine it might be too disorienting for me to suddenly wake up in a place i've never been, in a life I can't even really imagine and look into a mirror and see a stranger. I am leaning towards having some kind of likeness to myself. It's all too much sometimes.
My neck is stiff from the tension, I rub the back of it and feel the smooth skin where a metallic hole will soon be, well not on my body but on my clone body. I will literally be plugged into my ship via a series of links running down my central nervous system. I will be able to control my ship with my mind, see out via the drone ship camera's again all with my mind. This will give me an advantage over non-capsuleers. They will not able to react as quickly, they will not be one with their ship. My humanity begins to slip. Or does it? I shake my head and try to stop the thinking.
I leave my parents house for another walk on the beach and a flood of memories pours in. I can't stop it. They are joyous ones mostly, i'll let it run for a while. Sometimes this rebirth feels a lot like death. I fight the sadness as I walk back to my parents house. I can see and hear people around me, each caught up in their own lives. I see them in ways I never have before. I am jealous for a moment but it passes. Out of many trillions only a few hundred thousand are capsuleers. I try but simply cannot properly imagine the immensity of over 5,000 solar systems and several thousand wormholes populated by only a tiny fraction of humanity and then only a sliver of them in the form capsuleers. Connecting these systems together by are a series of jump gates, and inter system travel in faster than light speed warp. More sedentary is the larger body humanity who populate only relatively few planets. I will be spending a lot of time alone in space.
Being one with my ship allows me to fly great vessels without the need for any other crew. I will be in my pod, attached to the ship, engulfed and padded in pod goo (a broth of cellular debris to help pad any trauma) and really only needing my brain while aboard. I keep this image in my head and almost shudder. How foreign. Still walking I begin to think about my skill training. What skill books and in what order should I inject them into my brain. How long will it take my brain to learn them? What implants should I add to the slots installed in my central nervous system to make my learning the most efficient. For that I need to know far more than I do now and my mind drifts to more familiar ground and the deadly Minmatar ships. How I have often dreamed of piloting them, in a few days I will. I feel a slight high. We Minmatar have a tradition with our designs honed in recent wars with the Amarr. I suppose what makes us unique from the other factions ships is our emphasis on speed and the flexibility inherent in our designs. You are never quite sure how a Minmatar ship is outfitted, and in this mystery lies an advantage. The names of ships like Rifter or Loki make my heart begin to beat more rapidly. The reality is that I really don't know anything and all this speculative thinking is largely a waste of time. My education really begins when my body dies. I look up and see my parents house and the sadness creeps in again.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Euthanasia Celebration!
Still seems strange to celebrate the death of my natural body, even if this is my long and closely held desire. Some time next week, I hope, I will be euthanized. My friends and family are so happy for me. All the effort, money, leaning on connections, pleading and mountains legalese have finally led to this moment. I will indeed become a capsuleer. I will break free from my terrestrial bondage and soar amongst the stars. I will become immortal.
I will go to sleep for the last time in this skin that has protected me since before birth. My soft newborn flesh which was caressed by my mother, kissed all over by her warm lips, stretching over the years as a quickly growing child and finally filled-out in my adulthood. The pain and passions seared onto it, my history in it's scars. All this I will leave behind.
I walk alone along the sandy white shore and stare out towards the rippling dark ocean flecked in white. The hot sun, sweat on my face, the humidity slowly choking me, the faint smell of death and decay which of course means life. The cool water at my feet, the bright blue sky, full clouds playfully lingering above. I think the physical sensation I will miss most of all is the coolness of the salty breeze over my tanned skin, tingling my body in tiny explosions of delight, reminding me that I am alive. It is small price to pay for what I will gain. I must remember the breeze.
After these eyes close for the last time new eyes will open. Peering into my new future, ever outwards, an exploration of infinite space. Contrasted with another deeper journey inside my soul. An understanding of the past, of who I am, who I will be. Liberty I have here with me now. I am Mimatar living in a Minmatar system and not a brother slave, but immortality is the key that truly unlocks the gateway to pure freedom. These thoughts bounce around in my mind as I wonder if my family and guests have noticed that I have walked off from the celebration. I will miss them all. I turn and walk back home and wonder how strange this will all soon seem.
I am frightened, imagine that a Brutor, a warrior, frightened. New Eden is not for the timid. I steady my breath and focus on the rhythm of my steps, my mind centers. I have told my parents not to let me know the date of my bodies death, I only know that most likely it will be next week. I will only learn that I will be leaving it behind on the morning of the procedure. Floating in the stillness a space-station will be my new home. I will awaken instantly after my bodies death, my neural networks scanned in incredible detail and sent immediatly to my waiting medical clone, my career as a capsuleer will have begun. I wonder what my parents will think of my corpse left here uneeded. I turn and look once more at the ocean, study the horizon, and turn towards my families home.
Later that night, after the guests have gone, I return to my now empty apartment and sit on the hard floor. I feel so unprepared. I have been studying but I feel that I am only grasping at the depths and complexity of a capsuleers life. I have no set goals, no plan, I just know it's a journey I must take. I will be swept away on kinetic currents of space faring humanity. I will be one with my ship, gazing upon the stars, looking down on planets. I will be hunted, I will also be a hunter. I suppose partly it's this duality of this lifestyle, the scientific and technological progress juxtaposed with the expression of the most primitive of human emotions. This same expression mirrored in my families warrior legacy through to present of my academic parents and now distilled in me. Educated but lingering for adventure, battle, victory. I will be immortal, I will learn not to be so afraid. In this pure freedom I can easily transcend the pressures, culture, education, love that has formed me. What will I become? A sociopath, pirate, miner, industrialist, trader, I laugh at the near endless possibilities. I like to think that I will be an explorer but inside I already understand that the exploration will not just be tucked away in a newly born worm hole, or hidden in the darker reaches of the infinite void, I carry it within me. I also know that part of me wants to compete openly against the cruelest and brightest humanity has to offer. They have a such a large head start, some sitting on a hoard of wealth, fleets of ships, and corporations of many thousands, shaping markets, vying for control of systems, cementing their empires. Against this I fly alone. A small helpless laugh escapes thorough my native lips when I think of how unprepared I really am.
I suppose it would be a bit too dramatic to say it's a scam (a scam being a basic currency in New Eden) but as I look to start my life as capsuleer I would like to begin with a little bit of isk (money) in the bank. It is a trivial thing really, but the more one studies the more one learns of opportunities. In exchange for a fee to the real lords of New Eden I can purchase a Pilot Licese Extension (Plex) and remain a capsular in this universe. I have simply discovered that by going through a third party, of course an enterprising capsuleer, we can both make some profit. No harm done and totally acceptable, and even if it wasn't, is there really a right and wrong for an immortal in New Eden? So as every new capsuleer grapples with this life that I am on the precipice of beginning, I struggle to familiarize myself with the fleets of ships, the seemingly endless skills that one must train, the nature of combat, economics, oh the list goes on and on. I begin to feel some fear again until I just close my eyes and imagine for a moment sitting in my capsule, tucked within the bowels of my ship, quietly drifting through space, appreciating the mystery and beauty that is this universe. So deeper into New Eden I come, next week I hope. I am not sure of the welcome. The mystery begins.
I will go to sleep for the last time in this skin that has protected me since before birth. My soft newborn flesh which was caressed by my mother, kissed all over by her warm lips, stretching over the years as a quickly growing child and finally filled-out in my adulthood. The pain and passions seared onto it, my history in it's scars. All this I will leave behind.
I walk alone along the sandy white shore and stare out towards the rippling dark ocean flecked in white. The hot sun, sweat on my face, the humidity slowly choking me, the faint smell of death and decay which of course means life. The cool water at my feet, the bright blue sky, full clouds playfully lingering above. I think the physical sensation I will miss most of all is the coolness of the salty breeze over my tanned skin, tingling my body in tiny explosions of delight, reminding me that I am alive. It is small price to pay for what I will gain. I must remember the breeze.
After these eyes close for the last time new eyes will open. Peering into my new future, ever outwards, an exploration of infinite space. Contrasted with another deeper journey inside my soul. An understanding of the past, of who I am, who I will be. Liberty I have here with me now. I am Mimatar living in a Minmatar system and not a brother slave, but immortality is the key that truly unlocks the gateway to pure freedom. These thoughts bounce around in my mind as I wonder if my family and guests have noticed that I have walked off from the celebration. I will miss them all. I turn and walk back home and wonder how strange this will all soon seem.
I am frightened, imagine that a Brutor, a warrior, frightened. New Eden is not for the timid. I steady my breath and focus on the rhythm of my steps, my mind centers. I have told my parents not to let me know the date of my bodies death, I only know that most likely it will be next week. I will only learn that I will be leaving it behind on the morning of the procedure. Floating in the stillness a space-station will be my new home. I will awaken instantly after my bodies death, my neural networks scanned in incredible detail and sent immediatly to my waiting medical clone, my career as a capsuleer will have begun. I wonder what my parents will think of my corpse left here uneeded. I turn and look once more at the ocean, study the horizon, and turn towards my families home.
Later that night, after the guests have gone, I return to my now empty apartment and sit on the hard floor. I feel so unprepared. I have been studying but I feel that I am only grasping at the depths and complexity of a capsuleers life. I have no set goals, no plan, I just know it's a journey I must take. I will be swept away on kinetic currents of space faring humanity. I will be one with my ship, gazing upon the stars, looking down on planets. I will be hunted, I will also be a hunter. I suppose partly it's this duality of this lifestyle, the scientific and technological progress juxtaposed with the expression of the most primitive of human emotions. This same expression mirrored in my families warrior legacy through to present of my academic parents and now distilled in me. Educated but lingering for adventure, battle, victory. I will be immortal, I will learn not to be so afraid. In this pure freedom I can easily transcend the pressures, culture, education, love that has formed me. What will I become? A sociopath, pirate, miner, industrialist, trader, I laugh at the near endless possibilities. I like to think that I will be an explorer but inside I already understand that the exploration will not just be tucked away in a newly born worm hole, or hidden in the darker reaches of the infinite void, I carry it within me. I also know that part of me wants to compete openly against the cruelest and brightest humanity has to offer. They have a such a large head start, some sitting on a hoard of wealth, fleets of ships, and corporations of many thousands, shaping markets, vying for control of systems, cementing their empires. Against this I fly alone. A small helpless laugh escapes thorough my native lips when I think of how unprepared I really am.
I suppose it would be a bit too dramatic to say it's a scam (a scam being a basic currency in New Eden) but as I look to start my life as capsuleer I would like to begin with a little bit of isk (money) in the bank. It is a trivial thing really, but the more one studies the more one learns of opportunities. In exchange for a fee to the real lords of New Eden I can purchase a Pilot Licese Extension (Plex) and remain a capsular in this universe. I have simply discovered that by going through a third party, of course an enterprising capsuleer, we can both make some profit. No harm done and totally acceptable, and even if it wasn't, is there really a right and wrong for an immortal in New Eden? So as every new capsuleer grapples with this life that I am on the precipice of beginning, I struggle to familiarize myself with the fleets of ships, the seemingly endless skills that one must train, the nature of combat, economics, oh the list goes on and on. I begin to feel some fear again until I just close my eyes and imagine for a moment sitting in my capsule, tucked within the bowels of my ship, quietly drifting through space, appreciating the mystery and beauty that is this universe. So deeper into New Eden I come, next week I hope. I am not sure of the welcome. The mystery begins.
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